Introduction

You have probably been awesome parents of babies, toddlers, and lower-primary school children.  But when they transition to tweens, then teens, then young adults, everything is way different!  It is time to fill you in on what comes next.

The principles below are what I learned, much of it from when my oldest child entered Middle School.  The school district brought in Jim Fay to lead some workshops, which he called Parenting with Love and Logic.  I call it (them?) the Parent Self-Protection Act of 1996!  (Or whatever year that was.)  Thank you, Brighton Public Schools!

I offer these ideas, and some of my own, to you to use, to make your parenting life easier, with less drama, and greater rewards.  These are from memory, are from multiple sources but probably most from Jim Fay.  A few links at the end.  If close family or friend, call me if you want.  But as always, the difficulty is applying it to your specific circumstances.

My notes from Jim Fay's program Parenting with Love and Logic appear in text boxes like this.

Notes from other sources or me appear:

  • … [ in spaced-out bold square brackets, like this. ]

Principles

From memory:


  1. As your child hits middle school or late primary school,
    your role as parent will transition
        from Sage on the Stage
             to Guide on the Side.

    These steps will help make that transition easier and quicker.  Not quick and easy.  But a little better that it would be without them.

  2. Keep the relationship alive.

    No ultimatums, nor drawing lines in the sand, with consequences that they will be dead to you.

    You love them, and will always be there for them, even if you are a bit cross for a while, and there will be consequences for a while.

  3. No getting mad.

    If parent or child is angry (either one, or both), separate.  Table the issue, until things are calm.

  4. Punish without anger.

    Use natural consequences, whenever possible.  Such as, "Well, you didn't tell me about that birthday party, so you don't have a gift, so ...." [1]

  5. Make "I" statements.

    Such as, "No, I won't drop everything right now and take you to Target.  But I will take you to Target after I finish this ____, and you have ____."

    Or, "I will listen to you as soon as your voice is as calm as mine."  [ Which I just got from Love And Logic's infographic dealing with defiant children.   I like that one.  Never used it.  Wish I had learned it years earlier. ]

    Works with children, and adults!

  6. Use teachable moments.

    Instead of giving them your ____ speech at any arbitrary time, wait for a time when it is obviously applicable.  In-car or dinner-table discussion of what happened during the day are often great times for this.  Maybe something you just saw together on the news, or in a movie.

  7. Catch your kid doing something right.
    Praise them for it, right then and there.

    Do this a lot.  If you do it half as often as you catch them doing something wrong, that is a good start.  Then maybe bump it up a bit.

    [ I tried to do it with my kids.  Have been better about it with a rambunctious grandchild.  Must have done it OK the first time around, as I've seen my child do it, too, with his/her children.  Fun, after you get the hang of it. ]

  8. If you really don't care about the outcome, let the child make choices.

    For example, "Please put on a shirt, your choice which one," or "Why don't you make a snack — there should be some 🫐🍑︎ blueberries or peaches in the fridge."

    You want them to get good at decision-making.  This is easy to get good at, and you probably started this when they were a 🚼︎🚸︎ toddler.

  9. If child is about to make a mistake, and it is life-threatening, intervene, for sure.
    For example, walking out of the house with no gloves at -15°C (0°F), sure, have them put on their gloves.

    But by 6th Grade or so, and the mistake will not be life-threatening, consider letting them go, and deal with the natural consequences. [1]

    [ Unknown to me is, if your child has uncontrolled ADHD-i or -c, you might still want to intervene.

    Although if s/he is being treated for it, and his/her meds are on-board and soaked-in, you may want to let it go, so s/he can learn.  Congratulations, your child is now in the normal range, presumably with only the problems of a "normal" kid.  This is why you got them into treatment! ]

    This is so hard to tell the difference, sometimes.

  10. You want your child to screw up in middle and late-primary school, small stuff, while still non-life-threatening.
             For example, their relationship with one friend or adult, far short of 💥︎🚗︎ car crash, ⚠︎🚼︎ crisis/​unplanned pregnancy, or 🍺︎💊︎ alcohol and drug abuse.

    Because you want them:
      (A)  To learn what consequences are.
             Way before lapses may result in a 💥︎🚗︎ car crash, ⚠︎🚼︎ crisis/​unplanned pregnancy, or 🍺︎💊︎ alcohol and drug abuse.
      (B)  And get good at damage control.
             Good at it before any lapses may result in 💥︎🚗︎ car crashes, ⚠︎🚼︎ crisis/​unplanned pregnancies, or 🍺︎💊︎ alcohol and drug abuse.
             What is damage control?  Well, what do we adults do when we screw up?  We (1) go to the offended party, (2) say what we did wrong, (3) apologize for that, (4) come up with a plan to make things right, and (4) start rebuilding trust.

    [ At least, that is what I do.  Because that is all I know.  If you have a better method, please tell me now!  ]

    So when your kid comes to you, and says they screwed up:
      (C)  Tell them "That is so sad."  [ OK, I don't think I ever did this, I just saw it again from Love And Logic's infographic dealing with defiant children.   Good idea. ]
      (D)  Ask them "What are you going to do about it?"
             Let them squirm for some seconds.  Later, lots and lots of seconds.
      (E)  Eventually, you want them to come up with their own plan for damage control.
             If their plan is plausible, go with that — don't micromanage.
             If the plan has holes, consider pointing them out.  Or not.
      (F)  If kid has no plan, especially when younger, pause for several moments — you want them to ask you for recommendations.
             In primary school, OK, they are probably going to need your ideas.  Or better yet, point them toward a larger group of mentors, such as their aunts or uncles, or community members with knowledge in that field.
      (G)  If the plan involves you helping in damage control, charge them hour-for-hour.
             Such as, "Yes, I will go see your teacher or Principal, and help you unwind this," or "Yes, I will go with you to court and explain …".
             But follow this with, "That will probably cost me about three hours, so this weekend you are going to help me clean out the garage.  Saturday or Sunday, your choice.  Tell me which, at dinner tonight, so I can plan my weekend."  Or some other chore that is above their normal duties, that will take about that amount of time.

    [ It is going to take years to get good at this, both parents and kids.  It is going to seem so lame at first, and you are going to screw it up.  But keep trying, and it will start to work.

    Soon, child would screw up, I would help him/her do damage control, and s/he would help me clean out the garage that weekend.  Done!

    No getting mad.  Yay!

    No "grounding."  Which I never understood anyway.  And my brain could never keep track of which kid was grounded, or if that period had ended yet, especially in a split-second when your kid makes a sudden request.

    Made life so much easier for me.

    Eventually, when your child comes to you, and (1) describes how they screwed up, (2) presents their plan on dealing with that, (3) asks for some specific help they need, and (4) what they will do to earn that, it is (5) just amazing.  You have just grown an adult — so gratifying! ]

Similar ideas, from me:

  1. Long-leash — short leash.  I never could do "grounding" right.  But …

    I came up with the idea that if the kids had been good lately, they have a pretty-wide latitude on what they were doing.
      (A)  Yeah, as always, gotta do your schoolwork, and meet your other commitments.  And tell me about future events, so I can get them on the family calendar or my shopping list or whatever.  And tell me where you are going and stuff.
             But if they had been good lately, pretty much all requests were accepted, compliance spot-checked only;  controls might be kinda loose.  The long-leash.  Good times.

      (B)  But if a violation of trust had occurred, they get the short leash — much higher scrutiny as to showing me their homework, where they were going, use of the car, me chewing them out for being 5 minutes late, and other stuff.  Until they re-earned my trust.
             No specific time.  Might be a week.  Might be a month if they continue to screw up.  Whenever I felt I could trust them again.  Then Done.  Thank goodness — that's exhausting.

  2. Shoesie time.  This idea is from me again.  I still do this.

    Decide on your drop-dead gotta-leave-by-this-time, and back up 15 minutes.  This is when everyone should be putting on your shoes.  And going back to get that thing you should have had in your hands.  Or brush your teeth because you forgot to earlier.  But then, you really must go.  All good!

  3. Don't waste time fixing self-correcting problems, i.e., problems that will correct themselves over time, with noninvolvement from you.

    Got this from my wife.  But sounds like something I would say, if I could have put it into words.  It does happen.  Sorry, don't have any examples of this in my mind at this time.

  4. You gotta be there when your kid feels like talking.

    Otherwise, you are not going to hear what's going on with or troubling them.  Could happen anytime, so you gotta be there, with your ears open.

    May be a corollary of:
      "Half of life is just showing up."    — Hunter Thompson
      "Showing up is eighty percent of life."    — Woody Allen.

  5. "Keep the dirty dishes, laundry, and trash moving."
    Over timescales of a couple hours, a few days, and a week, respectively.  Not only a good parenting technique, but a good rule for running any household.

  6. When I was 18,
      I thought my Dad was the stupidest son-of-a-bitch in the whole world.
    When I was 23,
      I was shocked at how much my Dad had learned in 5 short years.

        — I have no idea where I first heard this.  There are female versions of this saying, too.  But remember it, when your child is about 18.

There!  I just saved you hundreds of dollars (euros) from Parenting with Love and Logic's parents and teens collection

👐︎ On the other hand, there is lots of free stuff at:

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